I’ve been spending a lot of time doing nothing lately. Sometimes that’s good but sometimes it’s not. When you sit around doing nothing, then nothing gets done; you’re unproductive. I haven’t been doing this because I have nothing to do, I have plenty to do. I’ve just had a lot of personal stuff going on, stuff that has been giving me pause and causing me to contemplate what I want to continue doing with my life and where I want to be, where I should be.
I never thought I’d be re-focusing on my future at my age, I mean, that’s the kind of thing you do when you’re younger. I’m too old for this shit, I should already know where I want to go from here. I do know I want to help people, that’s why I started doing intuitive work. I feel like that’s my contribution to society, there’s a reason I have these abilities and it’s not so I can use them to decide what color I should paint my living room.
I especially know this is what I want to do when I work with someone, I think “this is what I want to do every day”. Then I struggle to put myself out there, to show my gifts to the world, to make noise and be heard and seen and let everyone know I’m just sitting here waiting for you to ask me for help. But no matter how much I try to be seen, I still feel invisible, hidden in the darkness.
Yes, I work in the darkness, someone needs to, because that’s where the deep shit is at; the shit you can only get to by going into the darkness. Now I feel that darkness that I used to find comfort in, that used to be my friend, seems to be consuming me, swallowing me up into its depths and keeping me from showing up for those that I can help.
And I feel helpless. Helpless and alone, out in the middle of nowhere trying to be who I really am, trying to survive, and trying to figure out how the hell I got here in the first place. How do I survive without giving up on myself? How do I move forward without becoming another soulless drone that follows along with everyone else because they know nothing else?
I keep trying to find answers in the endless onslaught of “just follow my plan and you’ll be miraculously transformed” promises only to delete everything from my inbox because I know I have the answers myself, I have the “miracles” inside of me just waiting to be found. So I keep digging, trying to find those answers that I need to finally get to where I want to be.