I found myself struggling all day today about what to write. I know I don’t have to write anything but I want to and it shouldn’t be that difficult, I mean I only write once a week, right?
I thought I had an idea this morning (you know those shower time epiphanies that you can’t remember after you’re dressed?) It was going to be this, trying to be bold – here I am, I’m here, this is me! Then it kind of morphed into how many people there are out there trying to sell you their “guaranteed” program that will make you millions, or make you the most popular person on the web, or the most enlightened, or have the biggest email list. That nobody can help everyone because we’re all different and one process might work for one person but might not work for another.
I’ll admit even I can’t help everyone, and that’s okay because I don’t want to help everyone, can you imagine how exhausting that would be? Then my focus shifted to being authentic and what that means and being authentic doesn’t mean you’re perfect it just means you’re not pretending to be someone you’re not. Like those bubbly, shiny, happy people that are never down even if their puppy got squished by a steamroller – I could never be that, ever. I did have a job once where I was expected to be that but, yeah, that didn’t work out so well.
So then I thought well, maybe I’ll talk about what’s going on in my life, like how my last remaining dog has a tumor that’s pretty much inoperable and probably cancerous but there’s no need to find out for sure because she’s 14 now and even if I knew for sure it was cancer I wouldn’t put her through the ordeal of treatment. And how my husband doesn’t support me in trying to build a business because he thinks everything I do is stupid and I just need to have a “real” job like everyone else.
Then I could also talk about a TV show I was watching last night that had a woman on who was calling herself a psychic and I thought “how am I, or anyone like me, supposed to be able to build a business around being psychic when there are these kooks making us all look bad?” You know, talking about crazy shit like Dungeons and Dragons monsters that are supposedly real. Really?
Or I could also talk about how being visible has been a real struggle for me because I’ve never wanted attention, it’s always made me feel uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because attention that I got when I was very young was beyond inappropriate so it made me not want any attention at all. But then I need to be visible in order to do the work I do so I keep struggling even though I frequently retreat (what’s that all about anyway?) only to have to pull myself back out there again. Like two steps forward, five steps back.
Then I saw this quote today: “You have seen my descent, now watch my rising.” ~ Rumi
And I was like, wow, that just summed up my life for the past year or so and it made me cry.
So here I am, I’m here, this is me!